I had a fantastically funny episode yesterday morning. I had an important client meeting in North London at 9.00am and set off nice and early from Kingston. Foolishly, I had eaten some particularly gassy food the night before and was suffering the consequences…. Wind at the best of times is unpleasant, but in large quantities and with scant opportunities to expel it, can be a real issue.
So, there I was on the train heading towards an important meeting with one thing on my mind – how to quietly dump excess gas before I arrived ? I certainly didn’t want to sit through the meeting bubbling and gurgling like a drain – most embarassing !!!
So, whenever I was outside, between connections or waiting for a bus, I set about venting gas. There are ways and means to achieve this and over time I have become quite an expert ! A favourite tactic is to slowly move up and down the platform quietly expelling air. It’s a bit of an art, because you have to ensure a silent evacuation and a quick disassociation from any lingering odours. Stealth and speed are definitely required !
Anyway, I was at Acton Town waiting for my connection to Park Royal and was concentrating on performing a subtle ventilation. I had a meeting in 15 minutes and had to be wind free ! This was one of my last opportunities to dump a little gas and I was determined to use it to full advantage. So I set off up and down the platform quietly discharging. In my eagerness, I somehow misjudged one of the expulsions and let rip with a giant fart in front of a platform full of startled commuters. This thing went off like a firecracker and I swear the people nearest to me actually jumped in alarm ! Could I run ? could I hide ? I could not !
What can you do except blush furiously. For a split second I contemplated turning round and glaring at the man behind me in a feeble attempt to shift the blame and divert attention. But it wasn’t to be. The train arrived and I scuttled onto the emptiest carriage I could find and buried myself in some work papers while I cooled off !!!
Needless to say I arrived at the meeting and, much to my relief, managed to control myself sufficiently to avoid any embarrasing gurgles… I have been laughing about that little incident all day !!!!!
So yeah... 