a log of links, thoughts, notes and scribbles
Category: funny things
This came in on email the other day. What were Shell thinking…. *shudders*
“And now for something a little bit special. This is an award for Company Song So Awful I Was Positive It Was a Spoof. The outstanding winner in this category is Shell. Its song is called “Growing and Winning
Go on, elf yourself.
A Dog’s Diary
7 am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
8 am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 am – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
Noon – Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
2 pm – Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
3 pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
4 pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
7 pm – Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
8 pm – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9 pm – Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
11 pm – Oh boy! Sleeping in my people’s bed! My favorite!
A Cat’s Diary
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait… It’s only a matter of time.
Anyone for Tennis ?
Ha Ha ! BBC News 24 interview the wrong guy live on TV ! How funny is that ? What a screw up !
Apparently, some guy who showed up for a job interview was mistaken for the editor of Newswireless.net in reception.
The poor candidate was ushered into a TV studio and cross-questioned on the Apple vs Apple trial live on air. Hilarious ! Watch it here !
Bless ’em !
Ok, so this made me laugh…
Ever needed an elaborate insult or a flamboyant put down ? Then look no further than this Shakespearean insult generator.
my particular favourites are:
Kiss my codpiece thou frothy fen-sucked flax-wench
Away I say, thou unmuzzled clay-brained varlot
Tune thy lute thou weedy onion-eyed barnacle
Swim with leeches thou mewling codpiece-sniffing knave
Thou soulless tallow-faced turd
Thou artless guts-griping odiferous stench!
Oops ! Imagine seeing that out the windows at 35,000 ft !
Tech Support for Boyfriend Upgrade. This had me in stitches. Very funny.
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance – particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, NBA 3.0., and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
=========================
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck, Tech
So yeah... 